Monday, May 30, 2011

Protestant Papism

So I was thinking today... maybe the Roman Catholics were onto something with the whole "pope" thing. Not necessarily saying that I want a pope... as much as I am saying that I would like to BE the pope! Think about it! You'd get to wear a sweet looking costume, live in Rome, you'd be well-loved and respected and you would get to meet tons of famous people! But honestly, the real reason that papism appeals to me is that I love the idea of being able to speak ex cathedra. The ability to make infallible and authoritative pronouncements from the chair of St. Peter would not only be interesting and fun to use, but is something that I wonder if Protestant churches could use today. Maybe that's why we now have over 32,000 denominations; we don't have any one earthly leader to tell us what is and is not good for a Protestant Christian to believe and do. If 32,000 denominations cannot agree with one another without a direct word from God, I say let them have cake! By Jove, we will give them a word from God - ex cathedra style! And that's why I've decided to begin my campaign to be elected as the very first Protestant Pope.

Now I realize that it may take quite a few years of writing proposed amendments to The Discipline of the Wesleyan Church before they approve of this idea, but my hope and my prayer is that eventually by the time I am Pope Benedict's age, I will have succeeded in instituting a system of papal authority over all Protestant denominations.

This is the first step towards a brighter, more unified future. Together we can take all 32,000 little tiny bits of Jesus' body and sow them back together to form a kind of Body of Christ zombie that will be unstoppable... the secondfruits of those raised from the dead. And then when there are only two streams of Christianity left (after we have imposed our will upon the Eastern Orthodox of course), there will be an epic Pope Battle: I will challenge the Roman Catholic Pope to an arm-wrestling match and the loser will have to submit to the authority of the victor and his church will merge into the other. (Let the record also show that I am doing 100 curls a day so that I'll be ready for this challenge -- Benedict, if you're reading this, I encourage you to begin doing the same in case the movement gains traction faster than we anticipate.)

So be on the lookout for Protestant Papism! All you Wesleyan Wisconsinites out there: come to district conference this summer and vote for my amendment to allow for a Wesleyan Pope! Join the movement! Yes we can!!